Aspirant Trophy Wife

Open Letter Friday

2009-03-06T15:11:00.002-05:00

Dear World,

Choices. You have them. When you don't make them, then life just happens. I'm not saying it to be an ass, I'm just saying that I just had a minor epiphany. Fate is self-determined.

Just sharing what I learn along the way.

Love,

Ms.Jones Superstar

I Hate My Mother

2009-02-28T15:23:00.002-05:00

I really do. It has taken me a very long time to admit this to myself and even longer to say it aloud. It is a thought that I have been grappling with for a long time. I'd always go out of my way to prove to myself that there was something wrong with me or she just has me best interest at heart. After years of fighting it, I can now say that this is all consuming hate. She is a terrible person. All of the qualities that I dislike in human beings are all embodied within her person. What I am not sure about is whether I hate her for having these qualities or whether I've grown to hate these qualities in others because she possesses them.

My mind has tried to rationalize her behavior for years. It all balls down to the fact that she was also raised by a jackass that was only capable of asshat behavior. Therefore, she is an emotional midget and totally incapable of expressing love, empathy, compassion, or any other the other shit that a mother is supposed to express. For that, I resent her. But the hate stems not from her incapability to be a mother, I can excuse that. The hate is for that fact that she is incapable of being decent and contributing part of hate human race.

There is wealth of things that she has said and done that only fan the flames of my hatred....starting with the day she told me that she only "kept me" because my dad had money. I was only about f or 5 the time. Later she allowed me to be verbally and emotioally abused by a man because she sis not have to balls to take care of herself. She'd say she did if for me. I'd say that you did it because you are addicted to perpetual victimhood. ( I mean, I 'd say that now b/c I'm older w/ a larger vocabulary) Then I just said, " Mom, why don't you care about me enough to make his stop hurting me & you. To which her response was " Stop being a little bitch."

There was soooo much of this type of thing my entire life. At the age of 8 I had an ulcer. AN 8 year old with an ulcer and no one thought that was peculiar. I ended up in the hospital and had to talk to a therapist. When my mom came to see me, she threatened to beat me if I told anyone what was REALLY wrong with me.

I could go on with stories for days, but the point is that she is a hateful, self-absorbes, lying , victim playing cunt. That's what I would say if she weren't my mom. Since she is I can just ask God to put me in a place where I can understand and accept her for who she is. I also pray that I can be okay with the fact that she hates me as well. The main problem with hate is that it is never the problem of the person or persons that you hate. It consumes you and destroys your spirit. It hurts. I can't pretend that it doesn't. It's hard not having anyone that you know loves you unconditionally. It's hard looking at someone you are supposed love and not see anything but rage, pain, and hate.

Today was just the headcrack. I'm not gonna say what she did but its another thing that is unforgivable.

The one thing that I can say is that I no longer feel guilty about this. It just is what it is.

Gonna go cry in the corner. Then I'm gonna man the fuck up and move on with my day.
-Phyaflyjones.

Open Letter Friday

2009-02-27T13:01:00.003-05:00

Dear you,

Please understand that this relationship over. I know full well that I may have broken your heart, but that is much better than us staying together and resenting each other. In all honesty, we should not have stayed together as long as we did. It was more a matter of convenience than I was the desire to have a healthy and evolving relationship. I fell out of love with you way before I shut that shit down once and for all.

I knew it was over when I'd wake up next to you and wish I was alone. Those time when I'd wake you up and say that the cops were about to start ticketing...It less about my concern over whether you got a ticket and more about me wanting you to get the hell out.

5 years and we have never ever had a conversation of substance. It is difficult to be in a relationship and want to discuss EVERYTHING with the person that you love and they don't have the mental capacity to engage in that conversation with you. You think that I think I am better than you b/c I went to college. NOT TRUE. I don't think I am better than you. I want you to be a better person. Although, the sounds selfish it really isn't. I want you to know that you are not the nobody that the people in your life have made you believe. But you refuse to. You have settled for mediocrity. I refuse to. I want to be with someone that makes me want be a better person not someone that I look at and wonder why I even keep them in my life.

I guess its true that "It's very seldom that you are blessed to find your equal." When I met you, I just wanted the loneliness to stop. I liked the attention, I guess. Thing is that I knew that this was not going to work 5 years ago. I went along with it anyway. I am terrible at following my instincts. WAIT. I was terrible at following my instincts. There were so many times where I would walk away hoping and praying that you would just let me go. I did and said things to make you hate me. I'm passive aggressive like that.

The problem is that you won't let me go. I am pretty sure that it is not b/c you still love me. You have been left and discarded so much in your life that you feel like a relationship is the only thing that you can hold on to. You held on to me within an inch of my life. But not by loving me, not by making ME feel wanted, not by attempting to inject any passion into our life...you play the victim card. In turn I feel guilty for letting you go. I am fearful for who you would be without me. You would have no one. . I realize now that I am not your savior. I was like your mother instead of your girlfriend. You have to save yourself babes. You will either sink or swim. I can't do it. I am having enough trouble staying afloat myself.

I wish I could say to you that " I don't love you. I really don't like you." without hurting you. I just want you to understand. I need better. I need a better girlfriend. Hell I just need better friends. 5 years with just one person in my life. It was torture. But all I seem to think about is not hurting your feelings.

Love,
Me

Open Letter Friday

2009-02-06T13:23:00.002-05:00

Dear Economy,

I'm gonna need you to get your shit together. You are making my feel like those years of college and all the drive in the world is not enough. This whole recession/ depression thing is getting old. It's really a major pain in my ass.

Love,
Broke and Broker

Before I'm an Old Bitty

2009-02-05T14:01:00.002-05:00

I want to get this body thing together while I am still young and still able to dress like a twenty something. I'd hate to lose the weight when I am too old to be frivolous with fashion. Dresses with wild prints, ruffles, uber short skirts , maxi dresses...all that. I want to wear it and I want to wear it now. There is less than a year until I turn 25. I need to get my shit together.

Day 2: Trust

2009-02-05T00:41:00.001-05:00

I am very aware of the severe lag in time between my last One Day My Soul Just Opened Up post and this one. I am sorry about that but I was dealing with other things.

The good thing that has come from this time lag time is that I've had ample time to ponder the idea of TRUST and wrap my head around the concept. This is another difficult one for me because TRUST has always been a concept that has been foreign to me. Since I am on this journey of both self-improvement and self-discovery, I need to make these lessons more than just words. I definitely want them to be more than the abstract concept that these lessons can easily become.

WOOOH!!! TRUST. This is a big big one. Like TRUTH, this is another idea that I have always had an adverse relationship with. I've always considered myself a trustworthy person. That's where it ends. I can trust me and no one else. In my experience, people will ALWAYS let you down. Because of this feeling, I have inflicted a ridiculous amounts of pain. I have caused myself suffering because of my need to prove that I don't need anyone. It has really added to my bag of shit.

TRUST is the reliance of the Divine for all sustenance and supply. A mental and emotional recognition and acceptance that the presence of the Divine as the ultimate good is all powerful and ever present.

ALL? Really? Like all as in every little thing. Is that even possible? I mean can one entity provide everything. I am grappling hard with this one. I mean, I have always considered myself a very self-reliant person. For one to even imply that I am not 100% in control of everything is a concept that is just tortuous for me to accept. I guess that I can even build off of the previous lesson of TRUTH. Possibly, I thought that I am an entity in myself. That is the major fallacies that has been impressed upon me by all of the " well meaning" people in my life.

YOU ARE IN THIS ALONE.

ALL YOU HAVE IS YOU.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT THEN DO IT YOURSELF.

Now if this is these are the lessons that I have been taught my entire life, how can I begin to unlearn them? Do I even want to unlearn them? What is so wrong with asserting control over my own destiny? Where does the power for the Divine end and my own sovereignty begin? OMG this is soooo hard. I will really have to think on these. Seem like the more I think, the more questions I have.

What is did find later in the text was something that led to a small epiphany. In actuality, it is a truism that I will remember for the rest of my life. If I never learn another lesson from this book ( which is highly unlikely) it is that

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache and damn sure alot of time. Let me repeat this. This is a lesson worth learning for everyone.

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Yes. Yes. Yes. CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!

When you TRUST someone, you recognize them as a representative of divine energy. You see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being.

To truly TRUST someone means that you have elevated them to the level of the Divine. No wonder trust is a bond that is sooooo easily manipulated and broken. How can any human live up to that? It is an unreasonable request. The human condition does not allow for such things. I have always purported that unconditional love does not exist in any form or fashion. The same can be said for TRUST. Humankind is ever evolving, hell, individuals are ever evolving. Who I am today will not be who I am next week or even who I was last year. How can someone expect that I will ever be unchanged? Therefore, I damn sure cannot expect that from anyone else. There is not one human in the world that has the ability to remain unchanged. That is not how we are built. Honestly that is one of the things that make us amazing. Experiences mold us into who we are, thus making us malleable and pliable. Of course we are never the same at the core.

When you put your trust into someone that means that you expect them to do what they will say will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself.

I can dig it!!!! This is the self-reliance message that I have been looking for. Expecting someone to keep their word is not unreasonable, but always know that you are the ground zero for what ever you want. In love, work, friendships, what every....it's all you! This was an easy one to wrap my head around.

NOT SO EASY...

Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter. If you know what you want to do, you must ask quietly in your heart. Once you do, you will be guided. You will be protected. It may not seem like what you are dong at the moment is the right thing. People and conditions may challenge you. You may begin to doubt yourself. It is in these moments that you are called upon to activate your trust in the Divine.

I must tell you that when I first read this part of the passage, I was resistant. I even highlighted it with at pink highlighter. ( The intro suggests that you use 2 highlighters when reading the text. One to highlight things that are familiar or new things that you want to learn. And another for concepts that you are resisting or cannot wrap your head around. I use pink for the latter) So when I read this I was lost. I have never been great at prayer. I always figured that I was doing it incorrectly or that no one was listening or that I was not worthy of receiving any blessings, or that I am too much of a fuck up to be take seriously...blah blah blah. I have come up with so many reasons that my prayers don't get answered.

After reading this a second time I realize that what I am lacking is the TRUST. There is nothing wrong with my technique. I have never put 100% TRUST into the Divine. It was always like " Okay, Lemme talk to God to see if he help me out with this...People say this works." I now see that I have more serious TRUST issues. How can I relinquish this thing that I have that is not allowing me to let go and just put it in HIS hands? This is always this thing in my spirit that second guessing " What do I do if God does not come through? Then what." Then I feel like I am offending the Divine. Maybe that is another reason why He may not be listening.

Next: Day 3
Prayer

Sabotage

2009-02-04T09:12:00.004-05:00

This is the most difficult thing in the world when the people around you are inconsiderate. I have no idea whether they are just assholes or are they are attempting to sabotage this for me. I am leaning toward the latter. Ween I shop for food I buy the food that I NEED to be successful in this diet journey as well as the food that everyone else eats. I specifically request that people do not eat certain food that I set aside for me. I have gone as far as to hidu food and put a special box in the fridge with my name on it. Nothing works. These gluttonous assholes eat their food and mine within 24 hours of it coming into this house. It is so frustrating to go to the market and feel proud of buying heatlhy foods just to have that and everything else gone when you go to eat. Or when I take the time to plan out meals so that I'm less tempted to eat bullshit someone uses all the ingredients in their haste to be a jackasses.

Really, I am great at fucking up on my own. I do not need any help in that department. Thanks but no thanks.

GOsh, I wish I could do this by just not eating. It is sooo difficult.

- Trophy Wife

Back

2009-02-02T16:41:00.000-05:00

I know that its been a while since I spoke to you all. This whole wisdom tooth fiasco has taken longer than I had anticipated. I am actually still healing and I cannot eat solid foods or fully open my mouth. I am even still swollen. This is just a long drwn out pain in the ass.

I just really want to thank all of you for your well wishes.

You all rock.

Once Again I am Taking a Break

2009-01-14T01:38:00.003-05:00

Any of you that read this blog with any frequency know about a month ago I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Welp, when I went last time, I bitched up and only got 2 done. Now I have to go back today and get the other 2 removed. UGH. So I will be away for a few days. Pray for me.

A Week of Makeup Reviews from A Newbie Make-Up Girl... Day 2

2009-01-14T01:16:00.007-05:00

I have stayed away from mascara for years because (1) I want to avoid raccoon eye and (2) there was just too many to choose from. But when I decided to step my makeup game up, I figured that I would need to suck it up and learn about this stuff. I hit the CVS in search of a good mascara. At the recommendation of every beauty blogger in the word I tried Maybelline Great Lash...I had high hopes. Didn't work for me. I'm not knocking it. I really just think that most mascaras are geared toward women with thin straight lashes or short lashes. Either way, I have thick curly lashes. I mean curls that circle around 2x. lol So I needed a mascara that made my lashes longer and made them pop. After trying several that did not work I found the Maybelline Colossal Volume Express. OMG. If you have not heard of this stuff, GET FAMILIAR.

You need this in your life. I this stuff lengthens plums and curls. It has collagen. OMG!!! Porn star lashes here I come. No need for falsies with the mascara. How did I live without this? I seriously walk around the house in this stuff, doing random BS...like waiting for Fed-Ex. I am so serious.

Any of you make-up newbies, I strongly suggest that you get this. I got mine for $5.99 at Target. You cannot go wrong.

PS...No racoon eye.

-Trophy Wife

I quit

2009-01-13T17:01:00.004-05:00

I strongly considered that maybe this is the wrong time to lose weight. I mean I have so many other things too do right now. So much on my mind and soooo many other things that I need to change.

Then I said "Self!"

Self said "What!"

"Stop being a dick. Please and thank you."

A Week of Makeup Reviews from A Newbie Make-Up Girl

2009-01-12T02:15:00.001-05:00

I suck at being a girl!!!! At least when it comes to make-up. I have mentioned this before. I am a total make-up novice. Since one of my New Year's resolutions was to become a makeup maven, I should really step my make-up game up.

I have been collecting a very small and inexpensive collection of drug store makeups. There are a few that have proven golden and that formulate my default look. Here's a little help for those of you that are in the same boat as me...Attempting to learn about this process and need a few staples.

So for the next 5 days, I will be introducing my top. They are by no means new, but they have proven to be reliable for a make-up retard.

L'Oreal Truth Cream Eyeliner - Black

I came across this eyeliner after much trial and error. I wanted that black-on-black eyeliner look that Rihanna (the new face of all things stylish) had been rocking. I tried 99 cent store liner pencils, more expensive pencils, liquid eyeliners, liquid pens...none of then achieved the look that I wanted.

I saw this in the CVS and figured that it was a bit pricey for my taste ($11.99) but I needed that look. lol. And I had heard good things about the H.I.P. collection from make-up mavens. So I picked up. How did I live without this stuff? PERFECTION!!!!It is creamy, it has a sharp little angled application brush that makes you line as thin or ass thick as you like it. It's almost infallible. A few tries and you've got it. If you do screw up, it can easily be fixed.

So. If you are a total makeup noob or someone that just needs a liner that is THE SHIT...get this.

Day One: Truth

2009-01-12T02:08:00.002-05:00

As I've stating before I am reading On Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I am sharing a bit of my take ways with anyone that cares.

... It is the absolute...Truth is eternal, same today as it was yesterday... As individual awareness expands and embraces the concept of divine truth, the understanding unfolds.

I've spent alot of time believing that truth is relative. It is difficult for me to grasp that the concept of truth itself is concrete. That it is absolute. What is true today will be true tomorrow. This could be why I incessantly feel that all things are fleeting. I still cannot grasp this concept. The only thing that is finite is math. And then that can be manipulated. This leads me to question whether the lack of stability in my life is a result of these feelings or because of them. That is something that I will have to further work out.

" I have so many lies in my foundation." (p24) I, like the author, and like everyone in the history of life, have been fed lies since conception. ( I'm sure that I was lied to in the womb as well ) Some of the lies I adopted and struggle with today, others make up the fabric of MY TRUTH, some things I just knew were bullshit but I let it rock any way b/c I was just supposed to eat the shit that was fed to me by certain people. I am pretty sure that these people had good intentions but the methods were just wrong. I realize now that they were just afflicted with the same type of well meaning people that they have become. Life is cyclical like that. ( That is one truth that I have come to realize. Like I said, there are very few things that are concrete for me. See I am learning.)

Now, I started this book a few days ago. Yet, I am stuck on Day 1. I've gone on to Days 2 & 3, but I continue to return to Day 1. This was obviously what was indented by the author. It is not explicitly stated, but I am sure that there is a method to the madness. Now, there can be several reasons for this. It is quite plausible that truth this the cornerstone of the other 39 lessons. I mean how can one grasp any of these as life lessons if they are no in the mind set that they are THE TRUTH. Or, it could be a subconscious way of her setting the reader up to accept her word as what is truth. Therefore, setting up for the acceptance of her arguments for the rest of the book as TRUTH. If you tell me that I have already been programed to accept lies as truth then you make me think that you are telling me what is truth and I will be more apt to accept that as such. HA. Did you get all that? That's how the mind works. It makes things more complicated then they were ever meant to be. We are programmed to think that we have to work hard for everything. Nothing is innate. If that is the case, why were we given instinct, gut feelings, or whatever the fuck you want to call it?

So suffice to say that I was wary of this who truth thing? I was compelled to question "Whose truth are we talking about?" Then I came across a phrase that rang true for me and make me less apt to write ole' Iyanla of a purveyor of bullshit.

"You must do your independent investigation of truth... When you are courageous enough to examine and challenge those things that you have been taught to accept as truth , you cannot help but find the truth behind the accepted meaning."(p25)

Okay. So I gotta find truth on my own. Now, I've been on a truth kick for a minute but it was of me attempting to find , as I mentioned earlier, " my truth." As this point, I am question whether there is such a thing. Is there anything that is true for me that is not true for anyone else in the world? I don't think so. There is the major fallacy in the whole my truth thing. There is nothing new that pertains to Ms. Jones only. Of course there are different experiences that mold our thought patterns, but can that she called truth? Obviously not because of does not fit the definition.

There are 9 Truth Postulates. There is on in particular that really hit me hard.

"We've got nothing but time and it is on our sides. This is why we continue to be provided with the opportunity to repeat and re-create our lives."(p27)

I am a strong believer that lessons with keep coming up in life until you past the test. Things will continue to happen in different forms over and over again until you are able to deal with them appropriately. We are too effing silly and self-important to realize there is always a chance to make amends or change your situation, or break a cycle. ( see above where I said everything is cyclical.)

So that is my take away from TRUTH (at least for now).

Thank you and goodnight.

-Trophy Wife.

Get That Ass In Gear

2009-01-11T21:56:00.004-05:00

It is offcially time to get back on the weight loss grind. I have joined the Biggest Loser Blog Edition 2. I need serious help getting my ass in gear. I have 16 week to reach my mini goal of losing 40 (220) more of the total 100 that must be lost. TEAM ANGIE all the way. We are going to kick ass and take names.

Those of you that are reading this. Thank you. I have added some of you to my Bloglist. There is a shitload of you, so be patient with me. You will all get there eventually.

Open Letter Friday...a few days late

2009-01-11T15:12:00.002-05:00

Dear You,

You're better than that! Act like it.

Love,

Me

One Day My Soul Just Opened Up

2009-01-07T01:46:00.005-05:00

and then it died a slow painful death. No seriously I have decided to read this best selling self improvement book from the guru herself Iyanla Vanzant. Now, before you say it, this book has been out for about a decade. But, hey, folks swear by it and and I'll take all the help that I can get. 2009 is the year that I well quell my crazy. Or at least drastically reduce it.

If Iyanla can help me with 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth, then I am on it... The skeptic in me says that it's total BS. 40 says really. Not even near possible. But you know what. I, and probably most of you, have a tendency to make simple things more complex than they should be.

I started the first 2 lessons and I have found them beneficial. I am not totally sold but we'll see. I'll be sharing some of my thoughts with you starting tomorrow.

Day 1. Truth.

WTF??????????????

2009-01-04T02:11:00.004-05:00

I just ate damn near an entire tin of Danish Butter Cookies. SHOOT ME DEAD.......

Open Letter Friday

2009-01-02T14:20:00.002-05:00

Dear Me,

Stop trying to be everything all the time. When you do that, you get nothing done. Then you are left with this overwhelming fear of being worthless. Work on one thing, forming one habit, appreciate one day at a time. You no longer have to be all things to everyone. The world will not implode if everyone does not understand you. Yes, it would be nice if one person did, but you have always been a loner. That, baby, that takes strength.

Love always (although I don't always show it),

Me xoxox

What I Learned in 2008

2009-01-01T17:22:00.003-05:00

Now I have gone on record as saying that 2008 has been the worst year of my life. But I have not lost the lesson, so to speak. This time that I have spent alone in my funk has given me time to really think. To be honest, I am probably thinking too much. I live in my head more than I live in reality. Out of this, I have learned a few things about myself and life in general.

1. Life never goes as planned. No matter how much you will great things for yourself, it rarely works like that.

2. All you have is you.

3. You keep doing the same shit you get the same shit.

4. I am in charge of how I react. Others cannot make me feel a certain way but me.

5. Accept help. It's there for a reason.

6. As long as you live there will always be a tomorrow. That is a good news and the bad news.

None of these are particularly original nor is the language poetic. I have heard all of these numerous times. However, it only resonates when I have practical life experiences to back it up.

2009 and All that Jazz

2008-12-31T12:39:00.004-05:00

It's been a while. I've been a bad blogger. I must stop this non-posting nonsense. I see that I have three subscribers. Whodathunk? Welcome. Take a seat and ride with me.

Now to business. It's New Year's Eve. I am never one to make a big deal out of it. Holiday's have never been anything of great importance to me. That it why I did not make a big hoopla of Christmas. I am equally as stoic about birthdays and anything else the dictates that I must be festive. NOPE! Not I said the cat!

However, since I've started ATW, I've been thinking all the way that I need to get right. I mean, I'm fly but I'm fly but I'm not at my fullest potential YET. Time it is awasting. I mean I'm gonna be 25 soon and I have yet to make the most of my 20s.
And the past 2 year have probably been the worst of my life. I mean it was hard man. I've been tested. If you were to apply a grade to how I've handled it, I would likely be a C+. Let's be clear, I'm a total over achiever. So this is unacceptable. Mediocrity has never been an option for me and it is something to which no one should aspire.

2008 was the year of complacency. I'm quite ashamed of that. But that's what's real. So 2009 is my Get Right Movement.

* This list is not in order of importance*

1. Finish losing this weight that I keep losing and gaining losing and gaining losing and gaining

I started this a year ago and I really should be done by now. Out of the 100 ponds that I'd like to lose, I've lost and kept off on 27. I'd lost up to 47 but gained 20 of it back. Then lost 18 of that. Then gained it back. I have since come the realized that I have a serious binge eating problem. I'm be all good for a while, then I get caught up in emotion binge eating. Have found a local Overeater's Anonymous and have a plan to attend at least one meeting. Weight Watchers is just not in my budget right now. Maybe in a few months I'll revamp that plant it the OA does not work. So I need to lose this 100 lbs or be a size 12...whichever comes first.

2. Stop saying the I am going to write and just write.

The need to become a successful writer has never been more prevalent then is had been for the last year. I have to write there are no exceptions. I have just never been able to tack down what I want to write about. I still really don't know. Nut in '09 I am going to venture into the wonderful world of freelance writing.

3./4. Get my crafty ass in gear /Start a business

These two go hand and hand. That's why I combined them. I really need to put alot more into my hand making thingy. lol. I really want to be able to work solely for myself by the time I am 27. That is not too far of a stretch I think, I am a Jane of All Trades and there are so many things that I want to do. This will be the first step in forming a global empire. * ha ha ha * sinister laugh

5. MOVE

I gotta go/ I gotta leave/ SO please don't make/ It hard for me

6. Eliminate neck and shoulder pain without the use of drugs or
surgery.
Since my car accident, I have been in chronic pain. I mean the type of pain that makes me suicidal. I am to young to concede that this is a lifelong issue and I refuse to be dependant on drugs for the rest of my life. I am hoping that I can achieve this through exercise and meditation.

7. Transition to natural hair.

Blog about this soon to come. For now, I'll just say that I have been off of the creamy crack since 10/1/08.

8. Become makeup maven.
Okay, maybe not. But I would like the ability to switch my look up without CLOWN FACE.

9. Make friends

Because I have none. I am a cool person, just terribly anti - social. More so I have low tolerance for stupid ass people. But am attempting to be more open. So if your are reading this and you are in the North Jersey/ NYC and you wanna be friends. Leave a comment. Or you can be my blogosphere friend.

So there they all. All nine of them. HMMMM. Just realized that there was nine. Maybe that is a sign of success. Nine for 09. Or maybe I'm just cheesy. More likely the latter.

I suppose that I should post my progress periodically. I'll add a widget over -----> there, detaling the progress.

I really need a 3 column layout. Gotta work on that.
-Trophy Wife, OUT

Open Letter Friday

2008-12-12T14:54:00.004-05:00

Dear Person's Who Keeps Doing Stupid Shit,

I am always and rarely amazed by the stupidity of most people. I tend to wonder if this level of idiocy is innate, learned behavior, or due to a lack of teaching altogether. In any case you are too old to be so damn stupid. To let a drug addict that spent years abusing you back into your bed, no questions asked is rid-damn-diculous. You are 55 years old. One would think that you would be wiser than these knuckle headed young girls that are running around here with knucklehead no good men/women. He left you to lay up with another common dope fiend. When she got sick of him, you let him back all up in your mix. You did not even demand that he take a shower. After all the shit that you talked. After all the times he disrespected you. He put his hands on your kids. He just walked into your living room with his hefty bags. You simply cocked your head to the sid, took a drag of your ciggarette and said " We got Kool-Aid." as he walked himself to your room, took off his boots and demanded a steak with his Kool-Aid.

My grandmother used to tell my that a half-a-man is better than no man at all.

-SAD

Cordailly,

Conscious Observer of your BS

Necessary Evil...Taking a Break

2008-12-08T01:54:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know that I really don't blog that regularly anyway, but I am taking a bit of a hiatus. Tomorrow, I have to get all four of my wisdom teeth removed as well a a root canal. I know OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! The thought makes me slightly suicidal. But it is a necessary evil. No one wants a wife with a fucked up grill. You most definably don't can't achieve trophy wife status with wisdom teeth pushing all up on all your other teeth. That is not cool.

When I come back I am in full GET RIGHT mode. I mean gym, job search, grad school...the whole nine. Guys Please pray for me. I may just make them euthanize me. I don;t have a great tolerance for pain, especially in the mouth.

Love ya,

Phyafly Jones

Open Letter Friday

2008-12-05T03:59:00.005-05:00

Dear Bitch That Rear-Ended us at a Red Light that Night,

I rarely throw around the word hate. But I hate you. My life is forever changed because you felt a need to drink and drive. I am living a lifetime of pain while you ran overseas to get married. I' m not one to throw myself a pity party, but sometimes just moving is so painful that I wish I was missing my entire right side. On these days, I want to grab your bleached blonde hair with mousy brown roots and bang it against the roof of your Buick. Then tell, me to calm down.

Cordially,
Girl With Nerve Damage and Frozen Shoulder

Anyone with an open letter meet me in the comment section.

Negroes, Proposition 8, and Why it's my Fault

2008-12-05T00:22:00.001-05:00

It's been a month since Proposition 8 passed in California. It has taken me since that time to really think about this and [attempt to] make some type of cogent argument that explains us how us color'd folks voted. It is always befuddling to me that anyone would be in favor anything that denies an entire sect of people their rights. It is even more disturbing to me that 70% of Cali's African American population voted for this BS. I am sure that this is not a true representation of the entire black community. But it looks damn bad. It does for us what the reemergence of Flava Flav has done for us. It puts a light on use where the rest of the world can once again say? "Do the black really feel/act/think/talk like that?" This brings a sense of otherness in a in a situations that is inhabited by the others.

More importantly than anything, as an African American lesbian, I do take a portion of the responsibility. Although, I am not in California, I feel that I have not done my part to quell the the homophobia amongst blacks. Hell, I have done nothing to quell the homophobia in my own home. Since coming out/ being outed about three years ago, I have never talked to anyone close to me about my gayness. In attempts to be less offensive, I've jumped to the far end of the spectrum and been silent. I now know how fucked up that is for several reasons. Why do I have to not be myself because the people that [claim to] love me may not understand? What type of sense does that make. This enters the TMI section of the broadcast...lol...I had a bowel blockage not to long ago and my mom put an enema in my ass. I mean she spread my butt cheeks and stuck that intrusive thing into my ass. It was hella awkward and I begged her not to. Her response was the response that all mothers give when they do some nasty shit like that. " I changed your diapers. I've seen everything you've got." Yet I cannot tell my mother that I am dating someone. I cannot tell my mother when my heart is broken. Sharing the joys of being in love is just out of the question. Censoring my gay quotient has become common place when I have interactions with her. Even when she is gay bashing, I am on mute. Each time I let one of these instance go with out a peep, I am contributing to the problem. Each time I laugh off a question from other family member about having kids or getting married, I am contributing to the problem. How can I expect black people to understand that the LGBT community are no different if I cannot say " I'm gay and I'm the same person that you love."

Understanding people's differences and and similarities does not happen through osmosis. It takes work. It takes relating on matters of human condition. It matters not that I will fall in love with a woman. It only matters that no matter who you [ if you are lucky] you will fall in love. You will be loved. You will breaks hearts and get your heart broken. You will have the butterflies when it is new. You will get annoyed when it is not so new. These are just what happens when love/ life happens. But we are so caught up in deciphering the otherness in people. In many of our cases we separate and highlight the otherness in ourselves in hopes of being non- threatening. We get so damn caught up in "not forcing our lifestyle upon others" that we for get that this is our life. How can we retreat because someone is in disagreement with our life. Rejecting my heart in essence is rejecting me.

Those of us that keep out mouths shut in hopes being non-threatening are just doing Black, the gay community, and ourselves a disservice.

Talking to Myself

2008-12-04T01:31:00.004-05:00

The most destructive thing in the world is negative self- speak. I am the queen of this. If I even stub my toe on the bed I'm yelling to myself " YOU STUPID FUCK, HOW'D YOU DO THAT !!!!!!!" Now I am not at all stupid. And in fact, I am quite a logical and intelligent person. My sensible side knows that shit like that happens, but my illogical and super neurotic side feels like I should have known better.

Now when it comes to my weight struggle, that negative self-speak is at its strongest. I even named it. Pepsi. ( I knew an uber bitch in HS named Cola.) True story, she is no Sasha Fierce. Pepsi is a mean bitch. Her main goal is to take me down. She calls me "FUCKING FAT WHORE" every chance that she gets. Any semblance of purpose, worth, and will power, is not safe around Pepsi. As I just sat and ate that entire carton on Butter Pecan ice cream she was yelling her head off at me. Yup, when I get to shoveling shit down my throat, here she is to make me feel more shitty about the ass load of calories that I just consumed. But I don't stop. Apparently, I am a glutton for that type of verbal abuse.

I have always done this. As an adult, it had just gotten worse. I have gained an vocabulary that is rich in insults and damning language. College only equipped me with great ways to add a poetic spin to the hurtful shit that I say to myself. I mean insults of a Shakespearean proportion. At times I even say it aloud. Most people never get that I am talking reckless to myself. They just think that I am once again using my uppity pretentious language. I guess that if for the best. If anyone really knew what I feel about myself at times, they would most definitely think that I had gone ape shit.

I mean, no one would allow another perosn to say these things about them. But when its you, it's a whole different animal. I'm abusing myself. Now that I recognize it. It's time to change it.

Trophy Wife of the Week: Jada Pinkett Smith

2008-11-30T04:38:00.001-05:00

is this week's baddest chick. The Trophy Wife has been a Jada Pinkett Smith whore since she was just Jada Pinkett, a round da way girl turned college student on A Different World. I had a vested interest in A Different World back in the day. As a kid, I just knew that I would go to Hillman College. How disappointed I was when I was told that it was not a real college. It was worse than when my cousin Ericka broke the news about Santa. Lena, Jada's character on A Different World, and I would have matching neon overalls an we would become BFFs, or in early 90s nomenclature, homegirls. Oh yes, we were real cool. We were cool until I found out that Lena had her pick of Dorian and Tupac. ( Tupac is out of the 2 men that this lesbian would go straight for,lol. The other is Dwyane Wade)

I eventually forgot about that. Yes, I also forgot about the terrible movies on the way, including Woo. I don't think that there was anything worst than Woo. But I forgave. Next think I knew she was all married off to none other than the Fresh Prince himself Will Smith. Ten years later, they are still going strong. Not only is this a good look for Hollywood. It is a very good look for BLACK families. In a society where representations of Black folk in love is far and few between, Will & Jada and the epitome of what happens when families "cleave" to each other.

We all know Jada the wife, the actress, and the mother. Jada also has a kick ass metal band, Wicked Wisdom.

She is getting her business woman on as co-investor in Carol's Daughter. And still has time to keep her husband happy. ( Wink*nudge*and all that cheesy shit) Come on, I'm not the only on that gets giggly when Mrs. Smith talks about all the car, kitchen, park bench sex that she and the Mr. have. To be honest, to know that Jada props her little 5 foot nothing self up on the stove to get in, makes my day. That alone would have gotten her on the the list. Maybe, not. It did not hurt, though.

Beautiful People

2008-11-26T01:28:00.008-05:00

I have always been intrigued by beautiful people. More so, beautiful people that seem to be oblivious of their own beauty. You know, those people that walk through life and think that they are just regulars, but they clearly have an edge over the rest of us common folk. I am pretty girl, but I have to incessantly tell myself that I am beautiful. I've had to stand in my mirror and affirm 100 times and three times a day that I am beautiful despite...and/or because of..... These people,however, seem to take it for granted( if they even know at all). It's like they are engaging in some type of quiet rebellion. Are they making a statement? Their actions seem not to be actions at all. They ease through life with such a fluidity that it is a joy and sometimes a pain to watch. Every move is an abstraction waiting to be explained in layman's terms. There is nothing tangible about the allure of that person. Even the most loquacious prose fails to capture the essence of that beauty.

It suffices to say that I find this to be an inexplicable phenomenon. Every time that I see a woman that is effortlessly gorgeous I think of Cover Girl. I sing in my head Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl. I suppose, that's I what the ad people were thinking when they created that slogan. It truly invokes the image of uncomplicated perfection. The connotation of those words could not possibly work any better.

It's almost with shame that I admit that I often feel a need to announce, re- announce, and reaffirm my beauty at all costs. Even while engaging in casual conversation, I've been known to respond to questions of audacity with a curt " because I'm cute" daring someone to counter that claim. And yup, I am one of those annoying people that takes every opportunity to stare at my own reflection. My inability to pass store windows, drink from glasses, or walk pass a shiny car without checking myself out has led people to view me as somewhat vain. I even seek out at my own shadow to gauge whether my hair/weave/wig (depending on the day) and sometimes my body are symmetrical. It's not vanity, though, it's the compulsory need to self edit.

One day, I'd love to know what it feels like to just go about my day and not worry about whether everything is 100 or not. To be able to just go and know that "I'm good" is an idea that is so far fetched it seems impossible.

Please comment if you have ever felt like I do or even if you haven't. Are you a beautiful person? Maybe you have observed how these people operate. lol

It's Sunday...Post Secrets

2008-11-09T15:10:00.006-05:00

This may make me a loser, but the only reason that I venture to wake up early on a Sunday morning is to see the PostSecrets. Well, there is also Meet the Press. But mostly PostSecrets. If you don't know about the PostSecrets you need to get familiar.

This one in particular touched me in a way that almost brought me to tears. "We accept the love we think we deserve." Talk about a truism. From childhood, we are taught by the manner in which we are nurtured how live is displayed. It absorbs into our subconscious. Andtada . We seek out that which we thing love is. If at a young age you are taught, as my mom would say, " don't take any wooden nickles"; then when seeking out relationships then you likely refused to take any shorts. This included familial relationships, friendships, professional relationships, and of course romantic relationships. Your youth set the stage in determining what you think you deserve.

Parents that give their children everything (material) have raised person that sees love in terms of possessions. Parents that are withholding in all arenas seek out relationships that are withholding in all arenas. That is what they were taught about love. Despite the wealth of self-help gurus that are out and about writing books, there is no hard and fast rulebook that dictates how we should be loved or how we should express love. With anything you learn from experiences.

I grew up in a household where there was nothing but chaos. All day, everyday there was nothing but yelling and pure verbal and mental abuse. The only representation that I saw of a "loving" relationship was of a woman that was belittled and submissive and of a man that was mean spirited and arrogant. Even when dealing with me as a young child, there was only criticism and disappointment. Then there was me having to keep it together. My role as a child was the crutch I supposed. I was the one that kept things together, the shoulder to cry on and the excuse for the fights.

I knew very well of the childhood's of my mother and my stepfather. By no stretch of the imagination were they pleasant. They bred two very damaged people that really should have taken time to love themselves before they ventured to love anyone else. Definitely before the had kids.

As an adult, I sought out these types of situations. I should say I seek out these types of relationships. I am usually attracted to the damaged women. I'm all captain save a ho. No really. One always knows when they meet someone with issues. There are always at least small signs. In my case, the signs are always blaring. But I seek these women out. I am always attracted to the damages. I need a woman that needs a shoulder, need a support system, needs to be some one's everything.

This was never more apparent than in my last relationship. She was truly damaged. She had a life that I probably would not have lived through. That made me more "in love" with her. That was the way I was being loved. I was being given the love that she wished that she had been given. I was also given the grief that she wish that she could have inflicted in retaliation for what she faced as a kid. So this "love" that I thought I was getting was just a substitution was just residual.It wasn't for me. I knew this and I accepted it ...because it was what I though that I deserved.

If anyone has a similar situation, please comment! If anyone has a differant situation, please comment.

Trophy Wife of the Week:

2008-11-08T13:04:00.008-05:00

Who is the baddest chick in the world right now?
Of course it the the brand spanking new First Lady-Elect...Michelle Obama. Who's bad? Yes, every time I think of my President's better half, I break into the chorus of Michael Jackson's Bad. It only seems appropriate. And don't let me have glove handy...I am a Michelle loving, moonwalkin', America Lovin' fool. Oh yeah.

Aside from having a ridiculous body and sheath dresses for days, Mrs. Obama is amazingly accomplished in her own right.

From About.com

She has a B.A. in Sociology and a minor in African Studies form Princeton University and a Harvard Law Degree. She founded Public Allies Chicago which provided young adults with leadership training for public service careers. As executive director, she headed up a non-profit named by President Bill Clinton as a model AmeriCorps program. Later,
she joined the University of Chicago as associate dean of student services and established the University's first community service program. She was named executive director of community and external affairs and served in that role until her 2005 appointment to her position at the University of Chicago Medical Center.

She is also an amazing mother to the adorableness that is called Sasha and Malia. it has been said by many that knew the Obama clan, that it has always been assumed that Michelle was the portion of the couple that had been more likely to run for public office. If you have read any of my earlier post, than you know that I am somewhat of an oracle. I am stating it right now. Michelle Obama will run for president in 2020. Mark my words.

What I love most about Mich, I think that she has reached friend in my head status. So, yes I am calling her Mich. Although, she is so accomplished; she is still playing the wife. This is the role that she needs to play right now. It is achieved flawlessly. We are so inundated with images of the independent black woman and the single mother, that we don't now that Black love does exist. This is not a political photo opt. These two are in love. They are a family.

So Mrs. Obama is beautiful, accomplished, intelligent, damn fierce, and a genuine good soul. On top of that, I am sure that there will be lots of head board thumping in the White house. Michelle is the type of wife that is definitely on her J. Oh yeahhhhhhhh!!

She is a true Trophy Wife and a model for any Aspirant Trophy Wife. My most newly acquired idol is proof positive that you do not have to dumb yourself down or make concessions of you determination to have it all.

NanoWriMo Excerpt

2008-11-08T00:15:00.006-05:00

As I promised in an earlier post, here if an excerpt from my nano novel.

Disclaimer: This is an unedited and unrevised portion of my NanoWrimo novel. I never said that it was going to be good. lol

My hands smell of memories. Like when I was 5, I went to a babysitter that we called Aunt Caffy. When mom would come pick me up from Aunt Caffy’s house after work, there was always a punch bowl full of candy by the front door. All the kids could take three Starbursts when our parents came to take us home. I was always that last of the kids to be picked up, so Aunt Caffy would let me take six pieces. All the other kids were gone, so it was our little secret. I guess it was her way of making up for the fact that my Mom was usually late. My presence often ran over into her family’s dinner time. The smell of baked chicken or pot roast, oh and the homemade dinner rolls always seemed to seep into the front room where the daycare portion of her home was. I looked forward to my mom picking my up so I could get my candy. I knew that was the only fragrant sustenance that I was going to get that night. I’d throw both of my little hands into that punch bowl and let the little candies was over my hands and fall through my fingers. For some reason, my second favorite Starbursts, the yellow was always relegated to the bottom on the bowl. It was just pointless looking for my very favorite, the red. After eating my six yellow candies, or sometimes a mix of yellow and orange, my hands would always have the sweet smell of that candy bowl.

Like when I would grab her hair in passion. I sometimes, secretly would plan our lovemaking on days that I knew that she had washed her hair. There is a major difference between dating regular ole' run of the mill black girl and a black girl with white ancestry. I love a woman with some good hair. It doesn’t nap up if she washes it often or after a long fit of lovemaking.

When her body is on top of me, I make is my business tilt my head up just so my nose places effortlessly into her short curly do. My hands cup gracefully around the back of her head as I push her slim supple lips into my neck. The scent mixed of ripe cherry and homemade lemonade enraptures my most acute sense. This is truly the sweet smell of contentment. These were the nights when the climax was always more enjoyable. The nights that I could inhale her into my spirit. I‘d always come with sensual ease. Her skin, the color of butter cream and the feel a welcome breeze, melds to mine and I release. Often times, orgasms were work. I’ll tell you, it was much more work than I felt like doing. I’d become a great actress on that accord. I am a simple girl. Mostly, all I want is that flutter between my thighs that is in sync with our heartbeats. Those nights are nostalgia.

The most difficult thing about this process is quieting the editing voices in your head. It's has been a truly arduous task in itself to keep myself from going back over every single word to. It is necessary not to do this if you have any hope of completing 50,000 words by within the 30 days. I mean, leaving your prose vulnerable like this is not easy. You have to learn ( or at least cope) with letting the words exist as they are and trust that although they are not perfect, they play a major role in your ultimate goal.

Nano in itself is a great practice in relinquishing control. EEEEKKK Not my strong suit.

It's Christmas...or Damn Close

2008-11-04T10:28:00.005-05:00

It feels like Christmas in the Trophy Wife household. It is so exciting that there are only a few hows before I nan call Barack Obama my president. Even more importantly, I will be able to call Michelle my first lady. She will be the fiercest thing in the White house since Jackie- O. Do not get me started on how adorable it will be to see Malia and Sasha playing on the White house lawn with some random, newly acquired dogs. This is truly is a family affair. We are not only electing a BLACK president. This is a BLACK family. I'm sure that this will not undo all the damage that has been done to the representation of the BLACK family, but it is a hell of a step in the right direction.

On the night that he clenched the Democratic Party nomination, I felt an undeniable sense of pride in my spirit. I was on the cusp of tearing for 3 days straight. Today, I know we are about to witness something great. It's almost like I feel some type of filial relationship to my man Barack.

4 years ago when Barack won his senate seat, I was in college. Of course for Writing for Radio and Television class, we just had to cover what struck us most about that election. Always the oracle, I wrote about the young Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama. After that assignment, I went on to write several OP-Ed pieces on how I just KNEW that this man was going going to be our president on 2016. Okay, maybe I'm not a great oracle, but dammit I knew. I felt it in my soul. 2008, WHODATHUNK it!!!!

It is an amazing and beautiful thing. Right now I'm just waiting for everyone to wake up so that we can all run dowstairs our open out gifts.

Back on the Weight Loss Grind.

2008-11-01T16:08:00.004-04:00

I fell off of the diet grind for a month. Okay, I more than fell off. I embarked on a month of emotional binge eating. I know what set it off and now I have put that portion of my life behind.

Now, is the time to deal with the consequences of the binge eating. I gained back all of the weigh that I had lost that month before. Today, that puts me back at 256.0

NOVEMBER Goal- 246.0

I do not think that 10 pounds in a month is too much to ask. I have done it before. It can be done again.

Sharing is Caring

2008-11-01T13:57:00.004-04:00

I bring this to you by way of http://punditkitchen.com/.

Please Bear With Me

2008-11-01T00:41:00.003-04:00

I am a brand new blogger and I am still trying to wrap my head around how this BLOGGER do-hicky works. It's not as easy as it looks. I'm guessing that I should learn some HTML and other valuable information. The look of this thing may change a few time until I find exactly what I want.

The Trophy Wife is hard to please.

NanoWriMo TIME!!!!!!!!

2008-10-31T20:15:00.005-04:00

The Trophy Wife is so excited. Tomorrow is November 1st. You know what that means...NaNoWriMo time. That is National Novel Writing Month for those of you not in the know. It's where us aspiring novelistas attempt to write a 50,000 word novel or the first 50,000 words of a novel in -wait for it- 30 DAYS!!!!! EEK. I know. I know. That breaks down to at least 1,666.6666666666666666666666 words a day. Lets just round that up 2nd grade style: 1,670. ( to the nearest tens place, lol) That is alot of damn words in one day. But oh yes it can be done.

The great thing about Nano is that the focus is primarily on output. It forces those of us that are anal about perfect phraseology to quiet the self-editing voices in out heads and just write. The only requirement to "win" Nano is that you write 50,000 words. Whether you cheat yourself and write the same word 50,000 times is all on you. No one is going to read it. On the NanoWrimo site, there is merely a word count. Nano is truly a reason to be self-satisfying. Write what you have always wanted but have talked yourself out of.

So, November 1st is less than 4 hours away and I have no idea what I am writing about. I guess that I am going to have to wing it. I am better working on the fly anyway. That is how I graduated from college with honors. Magna Cum Laude to be precise. All procrastination :)

As this post comes to an end, it is 8:49 pm. Almost 3 hours till nano. Let's go get em.

If anyone want to add me as a friend, my name is "reignbeaulefem"

Still to come from the TROPHY WIFE:

Excerpt from the NaNo Novel.

I'm Crushing

2008-10-31T13:40:00.006-04:00

Oh yeah, we here at The Aspirant Trophy Wife have an UBER crush on Rachel Maddow. By we, I mean me. When I saw her, my gaydar SCREAMED "lesbian." I am very happy to find out that I was right. So now, I am no longer ashamed of the girl boner that she gives me. BOING! Let's face MSNBC has a winner! Chris Matthews and Kieth Olberman are okay...but Rachel. Man listen. I think that I am in love. Welp, very deep and penetrating lust.

After last night's interview with President Barack Obama (yes I said President. I am not superstitious. Take that universe.) Everytime she chuckled at one of his amazing answers, I wanted to jump through the screen and nuzzle her widdle cheeks.

Ms. Maddow...mmmm. She is snarky, slick mouthed, unapolegetic, and God damn sexy. She is playing with the big boys and besting them everytime. So I am officially Rachel stalking.

Definately Trophy Wife approved.

Trophy Wife Skills

2008-10-25T17:37:00.005-04:00

Part of becoming a Trophy Wife, is making sure that you mind is right as well as your outward apperance. So as part of this journey to self-actualiztion, I have decided to get my Master's degree. I have yet to figure out in what. The first step in getting this degree is to take the damn GRE. (Graduate Record Examination) Truthfully, I should have taken it before I completed my undergrad study. I just had so much on my plate then. And I was still unsure of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Nonetheless, I have to take this damn GRE. Vocabulary is a major part of the test... and an articulate person is always desireable. So I present Trophy Wife Vocab. This way, I can boost my GRE score and you can learn a word that you may not have know. Win..Win. Today's word is courtesy of The Huffington Post.

MAUDLIN

Pronunciation: \ˈmȯd-lən\
Function: adjective

1 : drunk enough to be emotionally silly
2 : weakly and effusively sentimental

Make- Up...dun dun duuuuuun

2008-10-25T10:55:00.001-04:00

So, I suck at being a girl. At least where make-up is involved. When most girls learn to do their make-up from their friends when they are in high school or maybe even middle school. (1) I did not have many friends (2) the few that I did were guys. So I missed that boat completely.

Now, I am 24 years old and I often get mistaken for a 16 year old. I am sure that I will be quite appreciative of this when I am 30. As for now, I think that this is a hindrance to my professional and social life. So have decided that I am going to dedicate a bit of time and money to learning to get my make-up on.

I have visited a few beauty blogs (that are linked on my blogroll). Most of them suggest Mac, Nars, and Bobbi Brown. I am not at the point where I want to shell out the bucks that these products would cost. So I hit the CVS and the discount make-up store at the Jersey Gardens mall and picked up some ELF. products. Then I have my big color palette that I got from Mandee for $10.00.

So here is my first attempt.

If you have any tips, I am more than appreciative

What the Hell Do I Want?

2008-10-20T21:34:00.001-04:00

That is a question that I have not asked myself in a long time. I thought that I had established a healthy practice of continually reaching for a the stars. That was a long time ago-the last time that I was single. For the past four years I have been thinking in terms of we. What do we want? I held back alot and missed out on lot of opportunities partially because I didn’t want to leave her behind or I didn’t want to ” emasculate” her.

Today is a new day and I’m enjoying the process of getting to know me again. I even took myself out to dinner earlier this week. A while ago, if I were forced to goto dinner alone, I would have been crying into my glass of Pinot Grigio. This time, I was able to go to a restaurant that I have never been to and eat food that I have never tried. Before, a night out was picking which Taco Bell we would go to and a trip to play in the toy isle in Tar-jay. Don’t get is twisted, I love my Taco Bell Crunch wraps and cheesy potatoes. Lord’ knows how much I love Target, but that is night not a date night.

The night that I spent alone @ that Thai restaurant in the West Village was one of the best times that I have had in a long time ( alone or with anyone.) I sat at that table that was decorated with a single votive candle that set an ambiance that I am sure was meant for lovers and I felt like I was the only company that I needed. I didn’t have worry about going over budget, or someone picking in my plate with their fingers. No one was reminding me that I was using the chopsticks incorrectly. I The best part of all was that I didn’t have to manufacture inane conversation. For the first time ever, I savored a meal. I actually sat down to a meal to taste the food and enjoy the texture. I reveled in the spices that I had never encountered and got a cheeky smile when they interacted with herbs and spices that were familiar to me.

Get this, when I was full. I pushed the plat away. That was it. This may seem small, but I have serious food addiction . It is a rarity for me to just say no to more food. It is like being disrespectful to the hungry and the Thai food Gods. But I did it.

So now that I have this new found independence, it its time to make sure that my solitude works in my favor. What is it that I want? My goal is to align my intent with my wants so that opportunities with come to me and it will be almost effortless.

But really, do I know what I want? I have a vague idea that is mostly set in abstractions. For the most part I need to improve me all over. I need to get my body right, my mind right, money right. Now to delve deeper into those categories.

This is going to take a bot more thought

Hi, Howdy, Salutations and all the...

2008-10-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

and WELCOME to my blog. Okay, this is more than a blog for me. This this chronicle of my journey to become the ultimate TROPHY WIFE. Yes, you read correctly. I want- no- aspire to be a trophy wife. I’m sure that it sounds crazy and you may be ready to write me off right now…WAIT. I do not want to be a just a pretty girl on someones arm. I want to be the best me that I can be. I want to become my own prize.

I just got out of a 4 year relationship. While being a part of a couple, I lost grasp of who I am. I was so used to being a part of whole that I was simply C’s girlfriend. Every choice that I made and every step that I took was to appease her. It was seemingly beyond my realm of capability to think about my own well being. We met when I was 19. So basically I’ve been in a relationship for my entire adult life. Instead of becoming the women that I wanted, I became the girlfriend that she wanted.

Now it’s a new day and I’m seeking trophy wife status for myself. Before I even begin to be someone else’s prize, I must be my own. The goal is not to be someone else’s arm candy…you can leave that to the Eva Longoria’ s of the world. The goal is to become my own ideal. Self-work is the most important thing that anyone can do. When I find balance within me, then I won’t have to look for my trophy wife. She will gravitate to me. And she will have put as much into developing her self, mentally/ spiritually/physically…and every other -ally, as I have.

So this is where I will post my fears, rants, raves, advice, request for advice, randomness..and anything else. Hopefully this will encourage some of you to find you inner trophy wife. And I know that there will be some that will help me uncover mine. You may learn something. As I learn, I will share. Stay tuned.This is going to be a hell of a ride, but I’m ready.