Day 2: Trust

I am very aware of the severe lag in time between my last One Day My Soul Just Opened Up post and this one. I am sorry about that but I was dealing with other things.

The good thing that has come from this time lag time is that I've had ample time to ponder the idea of TRUST and wrap my head around the concept. This is another difficult one for me because TRUST has always been a concept that has been foreign to me. Since I am on this journey of both self-improvement and self-discovery, I need to make these lessons more than just words. I definitely want them to be more than the abstract concept that these lessons can easily become.

WOOOH!!! TRUST. This is a big big one. Like TRUTH, this is another idea that I have always had an adverse relationship with. I've always considered myself a trustworthy person. That's where it ends. I can trust me and no one else. In my experience, people will ALWAYS let you down. Because of this feeling, I have inflicted a ridiculous amounts of pain. I have caused myself suffering because of my need to prove that I don't need anyone. It has really added to my bag of shit.

TRUST is the reliance of the Divine for all sustenance and supply. A mental and emotional recognition and acceptance that the presence of the Divine as the ultimate good is all powerful and ever present.

ALL? Really? Like all as in every little thing. Is that even possible? I mean can one entity provide everything. I am grappling hard with this one. I mean, I have always considered myself a very self-reliant person. For one to even imply that I am not 100% in control of everything is a concept that is just tortuous for me to accept. I guess that I can even build off of the previous lesson of TRUTH. Possibly, I thought that I am an entity in myself. That is the major fallacies that has been impressed upon me by all of the " well meaning" people in my life.

YOU ARE IN THIS ALONE.

ALL YOU HAVE IS YOU.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT THEN DO IT YOURSELF.

Now if this is these are the lessons that I have been taught my entire life, how can I begin to unlearn them? Do I even want to unlearn them? What is so wrong with asserting control over my own destiny? Where does the power for the Divine end and my own sovereignty begin? OMG this is soooo hard. I will really have to think on these. Seem like the more I think, the more questions I have.

What is did find later in the text was something that led to a small epiphany. In actuality, it is a truism that I will remember for the rest of my life. If I never learn another lesson from this book ( which is highly unlikely) it is that

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache and damn sure alot of time. Let me repeat this. This is a lesson worth learning for everyone.

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Yes. Yes. Yes. CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!

When you TRUST someone, you recognize them as a representative of divine energy. You see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being.

To truly TRUST someone means that you have elevated them to the level of the Divine. No wonder trust is a bond that is sooooo easily manipulated and broken. How can any human live up to that? It is an unreasonable request. The human condition does not allow for such things. I have always purported that unconditional love does not exist in any form or fashion. The same can be said for TRUST. Humankind is ever evolving, hell, individuals are ever evolving. Who I am today will not be who I am next week or even who I was last year. How can someone expect that I will ever be unchanged? Therefore, I damn sure cannot expect that from anyone else. There is not one human in the world that has the ability to remain unchanged. That is not how we are built. Honestly that is one of the things that make us amazing. Experiences mold us into who we are, thus making us malleable and pliable. Of course we are never the same at the core.

When you put your trust into someone that means that you expect them to do what they will say will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself.

I can dig it!!!! This is the self-reliance message that I have been looking for. Expecting someone to keep their word is not unreasonable, but always know that you are the ground zero for what ever you want. In love, work, friendships, what every....it's all you! This was an easy one to wrap my head around.


NOT SO EASY...

Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter. If you know what you want to do, you must ask quietly in your heart. Once you do, you will be guided. You will be protected. It may not seem like what you are dong at the moment is the right thing. People and conditions may challenge you. You may begin to doubt yourself. It is in these moments that you are called upon to activate your trust in the Divine.

I must tell you that when I first read this part of the passage, I was resistant. I even highlighted it with at pink highlighter. ( The intro suggests that you use 2 highlighters when reading the text. One to highlight things that are familiar or new things that you want to learn. And another for concepts that you are resisting or cannot wrap your head around. I use pink for the latter) So when I read this I was lost. I have never been great at prayer. I always figured that I was doing it incorrectly or that no one was listening or that I was not worthy of receiving any blessings, or that I am too much of a fuck up to be take seriously...blah blah blah. I have come up with so many reasons that my prayers don't get answered.

After reading this a second time I realize that what I am lacking is the TRUST. There is nothing wrong with my technique. I have never put 100% TRUST into the Divine. It was always like " Okay, Lemme talk to God to see if he help me out with this...People say this works." I now see that I have more serious TRUST issues. How can I relinquish this thing that I have that is not allowing me to let go and just put it in HIS hands? This is always this thing in my spirit that second guessing " What do I do if God does not come through? Then what." Then I feel like I am offending the Divine. Maybe that is another reason why He may not be listening.

Next: Day 3
Prayer

Sabotage

This is the most difficult thing in the world when the people around you are inconsiderate. I have no idea whether they are just assholes or are they are attempting to sabotage this for me. I am leaning toward the latter. Ween I shop for food I buy the food that I NEED to be successful in this diet journey as well as the food that everyone else eats. I specifically request that people do not eat certain food that I set aside for me. I have gone as far as to hidu food and put a special box in the fridge with my name on it. Nothing works. These gluttonous assholes eat their food and mine within 24 hours of it coming into this house. It is so frustrating to go to the market and feel proud of buying heatlhy foods just to have that and everything else gone when you go to eat. Or when I take the time to plan out meals so that I'm less tempted to eat bullshit someone uses all the ingredients in their haste to be a jackasses.

Really, I am great at fucking up on my own. I do not need any help in that department. Thanks but no thanks.

GOsh, I wish I could do this by just not eating. It is sooo difficult.

- Trophy Wife

Back

I know that its been a while since I spoke to you all. This whole wisdom tooth fiasco has taken longer than I had anticipated. I am actually still healing and I cannot eat solid foods or fully open my mouth. I am even still swollen. This is just a long drwn out pain in the ass.

I just really want to thank all of you for your well wishes.

You all rock.

Once Again I am Taking a Break

Any of you that read this blog with any frequency know about a month ago I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Welp, when I went last time, I bitched up and only got 2 done. Now I have to go back today and get the other 2 removed. UGH. So I will be away for a few days. Pray for me.

A Week of Makeup Reviews from A Newbie Make-Up Girl... Day 2

I have stayed away from mascara for years because (1) I want to avoid raccoon eye and (2) there was just too many to choose from. But when I decided to step my makeup game up, I figured that I would need to suck it up and learn about this stuff. I hit the CVS in search of a good mascara. At the recommendation of every beauty blogger in the word I tried Maybelline Great Lash...I had high hopes. Didn't work for me. I'm not knocking it. I really just think that most mascaras are geared toward women with thin straight lashes or short lashes. Either way, I have thick curly lashes. I mean curls that circle around 2x. lol So I needed a mascara that made my lashes longer and made them pop. After trying several that did not work I found the Maybelline Colossal Volume Express. OMG. If you have not heard of this stuff, GET FAMILIAR.



You need this in your life. I this stuff lengthens plums and curls. It has collagen. OMG!!! Porn star lashes here I come. No need for falsies with the mascara. How did I live without this? I seriously walk around the house in this stuff, doing random BS...like waiting for Fed-Ex. I am so serious.


Any of you make-up newbies, I strongly suggest that you get this. I got mine for $5.99 at Target. You cannot go wrong.

PS...No racoon eye.


-Trophy Wife

I quit

I strongly considered that maybe this is the wrong time to lose weight. I mean I have so many other things too do right now. So much on my mind and soooo many other things that I need to change.


Then I said "Self!"

Self said "What!"

"Stop being a dick. Please and thank you."

A Week of Makeup Reviews from A Newbie Make-Up Girl

I suck at being a girl!!!! At least when it comes to make-up. I have mentioned this before. I am a total make-up novice. Since one of my New Year's resolutions was to become a makeup maven, I should really step my make-up game up.

I have been collecting a very small and inexpensive collection of drug store makeups. There are a few that have proven golden and that formulate my default look. Here's a little help for those of you that are in the same boat as me...Attempting to learn about this process and need a few staples.

So for the next 5 days, I will be introducing my top. They are by no means new, but they have proven to be reliable for a make-up retard.


L'Oreal Truth Cream Eyeliner - Black



I came across this eyeliner after much trial and error. I wanted that black-on-black eyeliner look that Rihanna (the new face of all things stylish) had been rocking. I tried 99 cent store liner pencils, more expensive pencils, liquid eyeliners, liquid pens...none of then achieved the look that I wanted.




I saw this in the CVS and figured that it was a bit pricey for my taste ($11.99) but I needed that look. lol. And I had heard good things about the H.I.P. collection from make-up mavens. So I picked up. How did I live without this stuff? PERFECTION!!!!It is creamy, it has a sharp little angled application brush that makes you line as thin or ass thick as you like it. It's almost infallible. A few tries and you've got it. If you do screw up, it can easily be fixed.

So. If you are a total makeup noob or someone that just needs a liner that is THE SHIT...get this.

Day One: Truth

As I've stating before I am reading On Day My Soul Just Opened Up. I am sharing a bit of my take ways with anyone that cares.

... It is the absolute...Truth is eternal, same today as it was yesterday... As individual awareness expands and embraces the concept of divine truth, the understanding unfolds.

I've spent alot of time believing that truth is relative. It is difficult for me to grasp that the concept of truth itself is concrete. That it is absolute. What is true today will be true tomorrow. This could be why I incessantly feel that all things are fleeting. I still cannot grasp this concept. The only thing that is finite is math. And then that can be manipulated. This leads me to question whether the lack of stability in my life is a result of these feelings or because of them. That is something that I will have to further work out.

" I have so many lies in my foundation." (p24) I, like the author, and like everyone in the history of life, have been fed lies since conception. ( I'm sure that I was lied to in the womb as well ) Some of the lies I adopted and struggle with today, others make up the fabric of MY TRUTH, some things I just knew were bullshit but I let it rock any way b/c I was just supposed to eat the shit that was fed to me by certain people. I am pretty sure that these people had good intentions but the methods were just wrong. I realize now that they were just afflicted with the same type of well meaning people that they have become. Life is cyclical like that. ( That is one truth that I have come to realize. Like I said, there are very few things that are concrete for me. See I am learning.)

Now, I started this book a few days ago. Yet, I am stuck on Day 1. I've gone on to Days 2 & 3, but I continue to return to Day 1. This was obviously what was indented by the author. It is not explicitly stated, but I am sure that there is a method to the madness. Now, there can be several reasons for this. It is quite plausible that truth this the cornerstone of the other 39 lessons. I mean how can one grasp any of these as life lessons if they are no in the mind set that they are THE TRUTH. Or, it could be a subconscious way of her setting the reader up to accept her word as what is truth. Therefore, setting up for the acceptance of her arguments for the rest of the book as TRUTH. If you tell me that I have already been programed to accept lies as truth then you make me think that you are telling me what is truth and I will be more apt to accept that as such. HA. Did you get all that? That's how the mind works. It makes things more complicated then they were ever meant to be. We are programmed to think that we have to work hard for everything. Nothing is innate. If that is the case, why were we given instinct, gut feelings, or whatever the fuck you want to call it?

So suffice to say that I was wary of this who truth thing? I was compelled to question "Whose truth are we talking about?" Then I came across a phrase that rang true for me and make me less apt to write ole' Iyanla of a purveyor of bullshit.

"You must do your independent investigation of truth... When you are courageous enough to examine and challenge those things that you have been taught to accept as truth , you cannot help but find the truth behind the accepted meaning."(p25)

Okay. So I gotta find truth on my own. Now, I've been on a truth kick for a minute but it was of me attempting to find , as I mentioned earlier, " my truth." As this point, I am question whether there is such a thing. Is there anything that is true for me that is not true for anyone else in the world? I don't think so. There is the major fallacy in the whole my truth thing. There is nothing new that pertains to Ms. Jones only. Of course there are different experiences that mold our thought patterns, but can that she called truth? Obviously not because of does not fit the definition.

There are 9 Truth Postulates. There is on in particular that really hit me hard.

"We've got nothing but time and it is on our sides. This is why we continue to be provided with the opportunity to repeat and re-create our lives."(p27)

I am a strong believer that lessons with keep coming up in life until you past the test. Things will continue to happen in different forms over and over again until you are able to deal with them appropriately. We are too effing silly and self-important to realize there is always a chance to make amends or change your situation, or break a cycle. ( see above where I said everything is cyclical.)


So that is my take away from TRUTH (at least for now).

Thank you and goodnight.

-Trophy Wife.

Get That Ass In Gear

It is offcially time to get back on the weight loss grind. I have joined the Biggest Loser Blog Edition 2. I need serious help getting my ass in gear. I have 16 week to reach my mini goal of losing 40 (220) more of the total 100 that must be lost. TEAM ANGIE all the way. We are going to kick ass and take names.

Those of you that are reading this. Thank you. I have added some of you to my Bloglist. There is a shitload of you, so be patient with me. You will all get there eventually.

Open Letter Friday...a few days late

Dear You,

You're better than that! Act like it.

Love,

Me