Monday, October 20, 2008

What the Hell Do I Want?

That is a question that I have not asked myself in a long time. I thought that I had established a healthy practice of continually reaching for a the stars. That was a long time ago-the last time that I was single. For the past four years I have been thinking in terms of we. What do we want? I held back alot and missed out on lot of opportunities partially because I didn’t want to leave her behind or I didn’t want to ” emasculate” her.

Today is a new day and I’m enjoying the process of getting to know me again. I even took myself out to dinner earlier this week. A while ago, if I were forced to goto dinner alone, I would have been crying into my glass of Pinot Grigio. This time, I was able to go to a restaurant that I have never been to and eat food that I have never tried. Before, a night out was picking which Taco Bell we would go to and a trip to play in the toy isle in Tar-jay. Don’t get is twisted, I love my Taco Bell Crunch wraps and cheesy potatoes. Lord’ knows how much I love Target, but that is night not a date night.

The night that I spent alone @ that Thai restaurant in the West Village was one of the best times that I have had in a long time ( alone or with anyone.) I sat at that table that was decorated with a single votive candle that set an ambiance that I am sure was meant for lovers and I felt like I was the only company that I needed. I didn’t have worry about going over budget, or someone picking in my plate with their fingers. No one was reminding me that I was using the chopsticks incorrectly. I The best part of all was that I didn’t have to manufacture inane conversation. For the first time ever, I savored a meal. I actually sat down to a meal to taste the food and enjoy the texture. I reveled in the spices that I had never encountered and got a cheeky smile when they interacted with herbs and spices that were familiar to me.

Get this, when I was full. I pushed the plat away. That was it. This may seem small, but I have serious food addiction . It is a rarity for me to just say no to more food. It is like being disrespectful to the hungry and the Thai food Gods. But I did it.

So now that I have this new found independence, it its time to make sure that my solitude works in my favor. What is it that I want? My goal is to align my intent with my wants so that opportunities with come to me and it will be almost effortless.

But really, do I know what I want? I have a vague idea that is mostly set in abstractions. For the most part I need to improve me all over. I need to get my body right, my mind right, money right. Now to delve deeper into those categories.

This is going to take a bot more thought