Friday, December 5, 2008

Negroes, Proposition 8, and Why it's my Fault

It's been a month since Proposition 8 passed in California. It has taken me since that time to really think about this and [attempt to] make some type of cogent argument that explains us how us color'd folks voted. It is always befuddling to me that anyone would be in favor anything that denies an entire sect of people their rights. It is even more disturbing to me that 70% of Cali's African American population voted for this BS. I am sure that this is not a true representation of the entire black community. But it looks damn bad. It does for us what the reemergence of Flava Flav has done for us. It puts a light on use where the rest of the world can once again say? "Do the black really feel/act/think/talk like that?" This brings a sense of otherness in a in a situations that is inhabited by the others.

More importantly than anything, as an African American lesbian, I do take a portion of the responsibility. Although, I am not in California, I feel that I have not done my part to quell the the homophobia amongst blacks. Hell, I have done nothing to quell the homophobia in my own home. Since coming out/ being outed about three years ago, I have never talked to anyone close to me about my gayness. In attempts to be less offensive, I've jumped to the far end of the spectrum and been silent. I now know how fucked up that is for several reasons. Why do I have to not be myself because the people that [claim to] love me may not understand? What type of sense does that make. This enters the TMI section of the had a bowel blockage not to long ago and my mom put an enema in my ass. I mean she spread my butt cheeks and stuck that intrusive thing into my ass. It was hella awkward and I begged her not to. Her response was the response that all mothers give when they do some nasty shit like that. " I changed your diapers. I've seen everything you've got." Yet I cannot tell my mother that I am dating someone. I cannot tell my mother when my heart is broken. Sharing the joys of being in love is just out of the question. Censoring my gay quotient has become common place when I have interactions with her. Even when she is gay bashing, I am on mute. Each time I let one of these instance go with out a peep, I am contributing to the problem. Each time I laugh off a question from other family member about having kids or getting married, I am contributing to the problem. How can I expect black people to understand that the LGBT community are no different if I cannot say " I'm gay and I'm the same person that you love."

Understanding people's differences and and similarities does not happen through osmosis. It takes work. It takes relating on matters of human condition. It matters not that I will fall in love with a woman. It only matters that no matter who you [ if you are lucky] you will fall in love. You will be loved. You will breaks hearts and get your heart broken. You will have the butterflies when it is new. You will get annoyed when it is not so new. These are just what happens when love/ life happens. But we are so caught up in deciphering the otherness in people. In many of our cases we separate and highlight the otherness in ourselves in hopes of being non- threatening. We get so damn caught up in "not forcing our lifestyle upon others" that we for get that this is our life. How can we retreat because someone is in disagreement with our life. Rejecting my heart in essence is rejecting me.

Those of us that keep out mouths shut in hopes being non-threatening are just doing Black, the gay community, and ourselves a disservice.


totegirl said...

You know what sucks worse than having to talk about this kind of stuff? It's having to talk about this kind of stuff. To me, it's such a non-issue, but that's easy for me to say since I'm straight. It is unfair. How can there be anything wrong with love? And haven't these people who are against homosexuality ever thought about the fact that it's as old as time and possibly population control? The earth can't support for every damn one of us to be breeders, now can she?

Anyway, I'm not going to pretend to know what you're going through. I'm only here to say that I support you as you stumble around trying to figure out what the right way to do whatever you have to do is. And thanks for the kind words over at my blog. I needed them, and you provided.