Talking to Myself

The most destructive thing in the world is negative self- speak. I am the queen of this. If I even stub my toe on the bed I'm yelling to myself " YOU STUPID FUCK, HOW'D YOU DO THAT !!!!!!!" Now I am not at all stupid. And in fact, I am quite a logical and intelligent person. My sensible side knows that shit like that happens, but my illogical and super neurotic side feels like I should have known better.

Now when it comes to my weight struggle, that negative self-speak is at its strongest. I even named it. Pepsi. ( I knew an uber bitch in HS named Cola.) True story, she is no Sasha Fierce. Pepsi is a mean bitch. Her main goal is to take me down. She calls me "FUCKING FAT WHORE" every chance that she gets. Any semblance of purpose, worth, and will power, is not safe around Pepsi. As I just sat and ate that entire carton on Butter Pecan ice cream she was yelling her head off at me. Yup, when I get to shoveling shit down my throat, here she is to make me feel more shitty about the ass load of calories that I just consumed. But I don't stop. Apparently, I am a glutton for that type of verbal abuse.

I have always done this. As an adult, it had just gotten worse. I have gained an vocabulary that is rich in insults and damning language. College only equipped me with great ways to add a poetic spin to the hurtful shit that I say to myself. I mean insults of a Shakespearean proportion. At times I even say it aloud. Most people never get that I am talking reckless to myself. They just think that I am once again using my uppity pretentious language. I guess that if for the best. If anyone really knew what I feel about myself at times, they would most definitely think that I had gone ape shit.

I mean, no one would allow another perosn to say these things about them. But when its you, it's a whole different animal. I'm abusing myself. Now that I recognize it. It's time to change it.