I Hate My Mother

I really do. It has taken me a very long time to admit this to myself and even longer to say it aloud. It is a thought that I have been grappling with for a long time. I'd always go out of my way to prove to myself that there was something wrong with me or she just has me best interest at heart. After years of fighting it, I can now say that this is all consuming hate. She is a terrible person. All of the qualities that I dislike in human beings are all embodied within her person. What I am not sure about is whether I hate her for having these qualities or whether I've grown to hate these qualities in others because she possesses them.

My mind has tried to rationalize her behavior for years. It all balls down to the fact that she was also raised by a jackass that was only capable of asshat behavior. Therefore, she is an emotional midget and totally incapable of expressing love, empathy, compassion, or any other the other shit that a mother is supposed to express. For that, I resent her. But the hate stems not from her incapability to be a mother, I can excuse that. The hate is for that fact that she is incapable of being decent and contributing part of hate human race.


There is wealth of things that she has said and done that only fan the flames of my hatred....starting with the day she told me that she only "kept me" because my dad had money. I was only about f or 5 the time. Later she allowed me to be verbally and emotioally abused by a man because she sis not have to balls to take care of herself. She'd say she did if for me. I'd say that you did it because you are addicted to perpetual victimhood. ( I mean, I 'd say that now b/c I'm older w/ a larger vocabulary) Then I just said, " Mom, why don't you care about me enough to make his stop hurting me & you. To which her response was " Stop being a little bitch."

There was soooo much of this type of thing my entire life. At the age of 8 I had an ulcer. AN 8 year old with an ulcer and no one thought that was peculiar. I ended up in the hospital and had to talk to a therapist. When my mom came to see me, she threatened to beat me if I told anyone what was REALLY wrong with me.

I could go on with stories for days, but the point is that she is a hateful, self-absorbes, lying , victim playing cunt. That's what I would say if she weren't my mom. Since she is I can just ask God to put me in a place where I can understand and accept her for who she is. I also pray that I can be okay with the fact that she hates me as well. The main problem with hate is that it is never the problem of the person or persons that you hate. It consumes you and destroys your spirit. It hurts. I can't pretend that it doesn't. It's hard not having anyone that you know loves you unconditionally. It's hard looking at someone you are supposed love and not see anything but rage, pain, and hate.


Today was just the headcrack. I'm not gonna say what she did but its another thing that is unforgivable.

The one thing that I can say is that I no longer feel guilty about this. It just is what it is.

Gonna go cry in the corner. Then I'm gonna man the fuck up and move on with my day.
-Phyaflyjones.

Open Letter Friday

Dear you,

Please understand that this relationship over. I know full well that I may have broken your heart, but that is much better than us staying together and resenting each other. In all honesty, we should not have stayed together as long as we did. It was more a matter of convenience than I was the desire to have a healthy and evolving relationship. I fell out of love with you way before I shut that shit down once and for all.

I knew it was over when I'd wake up next to you and wish I was alone. Those time when I'd wake you up and say that the cops were about to start ticketing...It less about my concern over whether you got a ticket and more about me wanting you to get the hell out.

5 years and we have never ever had a conversation of substance. It is difficult to be in a relationship and want to discuss EVERYTHING with the person that you love and they don't have the mental capacity to engage in that conversation with you. You think that I think I am better than you b/c I went to college. NOT TRUE. I don't think I am better than you. I want you to be a better person. Although, the sounds selfish it really isn't. I want you to know that you are not the nobody that the people in your life have made you believe. But you refuse to. You have settled for mediocrity. I refuse to. I want to be with someone that makes me want be a better person not someone that I look at and wonder why I even keep them in my life.

I guess its true that "It's very seldom that you are blessed to find your equal." When I met you, I just wanted the loneliness to stop. I liked the attention, I guess. Thing is that I knew that this was not going to work 5 years ago. I went along with it anyway. I am terrible at following my instincts. WAIT. I was terrible at following my instincts. There were so many times where I would walk away hoping and praying that you would just let me go. I did and said things to make you hate me. I'm passive aggressive like that.

The problem is that you won't let me go. I am pretty sure that it is not b/c you still love me. You have been left and discarded so much in your life that you feel like a relationship is the only thing that you can hold on to. You held on to me within an inch of my life. But not by loving me, not by making ME feel wanted, not by attempting to inject any passion into our life...you play the victim card. In turn I feel guilty for letting you go. I am fearful for who you would be without me. You would have no one. . I realize now that I am not your savior. I was like your mother instead of your girlfriend. You have to save yourself babes. You will either sink or swim. I can't do it. I am having enough trouble staying afloat myself.


I wish I could say to you that " I don't love you. I really don't like you." without hurting you. I just want you to understand. I need better. I need a better girlfriend. Hell I just need better friends. 5 years with just one person in my life. It was torture. But all I seem to think about is not hurting your feelings.

Love,
Me

Open Letter Friday

Dear Economy,

I'm gonna need you to get your shit together. You are making my feel like those years of college and all the drive in the world is not enough. This whole recession/ depression thing is getting old. It's really a major pain in my ass.

Love,
Broke and Broker

Before I'm an Old Bitty

I want to get this body thing together while I am still young and still able to dress like a twenty something. I'd hate to lose the weight when I am too old to be frivolous with fashion. Dresses with wild prints, ruffles, uber short skirts , maxi dresses...all that. I want to wear it and I want to wear it now. There is less than a year until I turn 25. I need to get my shit together.

Day 2: Trust

I am very aware of the severe lag in time between my last One Day My Soul Just Opened Up post and this one. I am sorry about that but I was dealing with other things.

The good thing that has come from this time lag time is that I've had ample time to ponder the idea of TRUST and wrap my head around the concept. This is another difficult one for me because TRUST has always been a concept that has been foreign to me. Since I am on this journey of both self-improvement and self-discovery, I need to make these lessons more than just words. I definitely want them to be more than the abstract concept that these lessons can easily become.

WOOOH!!! TRUST. This is a big big one. Like TRUTH, this is another idea that I have always had an adverse relationship with. I've always considered myself a trustworthy person. That's where it ends. I can trust me and no one else. In my experience, people will ALWAYS let you down. Because of this feeling, I have inflicted a ridiculous amounts of pain. I have caused myself suffering because of my need to prove that I don't need anyone. It has really added to my bag of shit.

TRUST is the reliance of the Divine for all sustenance and supply. A mental and emotional recognition and acceptance that the presence of the Divine as the ultimate good is all powerful and ever present.

ALL? Really? Like all as in every little thing. Is that even possible? I mean can one entity provide everything. I am grappling hard with this one. I mean, I have always considered myself a very self-reliant person. For one to even imply that I am not 100% in control of everything is a concept that is just tortuous for me to accept. I guess that I can even build off of the previous lesson of TRUTH. Possibly, I thought that I am an entity in myself. That is the major fallacies that has been impressed upon me by all of the " well meaning" people in my life.

YOU ARE IN THIS ALONE.

ALL YOU HAVE IS YOU.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT THEN DO IT YOURSELF.

Now if this is these are the lessons that I have been taught my entire life, how can I begin to unlearn them? Do I even want to unlearn them? What is so wrong with asserting control over my own destiny? Where does the power for the Divine end and my own sovereignty begin? OMG this is soooo hard. I will really have to think on these. Seem like the more I think, the more questions I have.

What is did find later in the text was something that led to a small epiphany. In actuality, it is a truism that I will remember for the rest of my life. If I never learn another lesson from this book ( which is highly unlikely) it is that

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache and damn sure alot of time. Let me repeat this. This is a lesson worth learning for everyone.

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.

Yes. Yes. Yes. CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!

When you TRUST someone, you recognize them as a representative of divine energy. You see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being.

To truly TRUST someone means that you have elevated them to the level of the Divine. No wonder trust is a bond that is sooooo easily manipulated and broken. How can any human live up to that? It is an unreasonable request. The human condition does not allow for such things. I have always purported that unconditional love does not exist in any form or fashion. The same can be said for TRUST. Humankind is ever evolving, hell, individuals are ever evolving. Who I am today will not be who I am next week or even who I was last year. How can someone expect that I will ever be unchanged? Therefore, I damn sure cannot expect that from anyone else. There is not one human in the world that has the ability to remain unchanged. That is not how we are built. Honestly that is one of the things that make us amazing. Experiences mold us into who we are, thus making us malleable and pliable. Of course we are never the same at the core.

When you put your trust into someone that means that you expect them to do what they will say will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself.

I can dig it!!!! This is the self-reliance message that I have been looking for. Expecting someone to keep their word is not unreasonable, but always know that you are the ground zero for what ever you want. In love, work, friendships, what every....it's all you! This was an easy one to wrap my head around.


NOT SO EASY...

Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter. If you know what you want to do, you must ask quietly in your heart. Once you do, you will be guided. You will be protected. It may not seem like what you are dong at the moment is the right thing. People and conditions may challenge you. You may begin to doubt yourself. It is in these moments that you are called upon to activate your trust in the Divine.

I must tell you that when I first read this part of the passage, I was resistant. I even highlighted it with at pink highlighter. ( The intro suggests that you use 2 highlighters when reading the text. One to highlight things that are familiar or new things that you want to learn. And another for concepts that you are resisting or cannot wrap your head around. I use pink for the latter) So when I read this I was lost. I have never been great at prayer. I always figured that I was doing it incorrectly or that no one was listening or that I was not worthy of receiving any blessings, or that I am too much of a fuck up to be take seriously...blah blah blah. I have come up with so many reasons that my prayers don't get answered.

After reading this a second time I realize that what I am lacking is the TRUST. There is nothing wrong with my technique. I have never put 100% TRUST into the Divine. It was always like " Okay, Lemme talk to God to see if he help me out with this...People say this works." I now see that I have more serious TRUST issues. How can I relinquish this thing that I have that is not allowing me to let go and just put it in HIS hands? This is always this thing in my spirit that second guessing " What do I do if God does not come through? Then what." Then I feel like I am offending the Divine. Maybe that is another reason why He may not be listening.

Next: Day 3
Prayer

Sabotage

This is the most difficult thing in the world when the people around you are inconsiderate. I have no idea whether they are just assholes or are they are attempting to sabotage this for me. I am leaning toward the latter. Ween I shop for food I buy the food that I NEED to be successful in this diet journey as well as the food that everyone else eats. I specifically request that people do not eat certain food that I set aside for me. I have gone as far as to hidu food and put a special box in the fridge with my name on it. Nothing works. These gluttonous assholes eat their food and mine within 24 hours of it coming into this house. It is so frustrating to go to the market and feel proud of buying heatlhy foods just to have that and everything else gone when you go to eat. Or when I take the time to plan out meals so that I'm less tempted to eat bullshit someone uses all the ingredients in their haste to be a jackasses.

Really, I am great at fucking up on my own. I do not need any help in that department. Thanks but no thanks.

GOsh, I wish I could do this by just not eating. It is sooo difficult.

- Trophy Wife

Back

I know that its been a while since I spoke to you all. This whole wisdom tooth fiasco has taken longer than I had anticipated. I am actually still healing and I cannot eat solid foods or fully open my mouth. I am even still swollen. This is just a long drwn out pain in the ass.

I just really want to thank all of you for your well wishes.

You all rock.