Friday, February 27, 2009

Open Letter Friday

Dear you,

Please understand that this relationship over. I know full well that I may have broken your heart, but that is much better than us staying together and resenting each other. In all honesty, we should not have stayed together as long as we did. It was more a matter of convenience than I was the desire to have a healthy and evolving relationship. I fell out of love with you way before I shut that shit down once and for all.

I knew it was over when I'd wake up next to you and wish I was alone. Those time when I'd wake you up and say that the cops were about to start ticketing...It less about my concern over whether you got a ticket and more about me wanting you to get the hell out.

5 years and we have never ever had a conversation of substance. It is difficult to be in a relationship and want to discuss EVERYTHING with the person that you love and they don't have the mental capacity to engage in that conversation with you. You think that I think I am better than you b/c I went to college. NOT TRUE. I don't think I am better than you. I want you to be a better person. Although, the sounds selfish it really isn't. I want you to know that you are not the nobody that the people in your life have made you believe. But you refuse to. You have settled for mediocrity. I refuse to. I want to be with someone that makes me want be a better person not someone that I look at and wonder why I even keep them in my life.

I guess its true that "It's very seldom that you are blessed to find your equal." When I met you, I just wanted the loneliness to stop. I liked the attention, I guess. Thing is that I knew that this was not going to work 5 years ago. I went along with it anyway. I am terrible at following my instincts. WAIT. I was terrible at following my instincts. There were so many times where I would walk away hoping and praying that you would just let me go. I did and said things to make you hate me. I'm passive aggressive like that.

The problem is that you won't let me go. I am pretty sure that it is not b/c you still love me. You have been left and discarded so much in your life that you feel like a relationship is the only thing that you can hold on to. You held on to me within an inch of my life. But not by loving me, not by making ME feel wanted, not by attempting to inject any passion into our play the victim card. In turn I feel guilty for letting you go. I am fearful for who you would be without me. You would have no one. . I realize now that I am not your savior. I was like your mother instead of your girlfriend. You have to save yourself babes. You will either sink or swim. I can't do it. I am having enough trouble staying afloat myself.

I wish I could say to you that " I don't love you. I really don't like you." without hurting you. I just want you to understand. I need better. I need a better girlfriend. Hell I just need better friends. 5 years with just one person in my life. It was torture. But all I seem to think about is not hurting your feelings.



Licklemslady said...

Was do you feel about yourself now a days...before you run off making friends? You mentioned "when i met you i just wanted the loneliness to stop". We've all been on this self improvement's your progress? Wouldnt want you to covet the attention you get from someone who ultimately lowers your stock

Phyaflyjones said...

@Licklemslady I actually feel much better about the prospect of being alone. I was always a loner and enjoyed my solitude so the lack of it for 5 years left me with a clear need to rediscover myself once the relationship was over. Anyone I meet now would be more of an asset than a necessity. Also, I am much better at listening to my insincts than I was when I was 19.Therfore, I'm better at avoidng knuckleheads than I was then. And it helps that I now know why I am such an attention whore. so instead of looking for certain thing in others, it is becoming increasingly easier to seek it in myself. Not to say that I don't have moment when I wish that I just had ANYONE to be there for me. It gets difficult being alone, but its easier this way.