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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Day 2: Trust

I am very aware of the severe lag in time between my last One Day My Soul Just Opened Up post and this one. I am sorry about that but I was dealing with other things.

The good thing that has come from this time lag time is that I've had ample time to ponder the idea of TRUST and wrap my head around the concept. This is another difficult one for me because TRUST has always been a concept that has been foreign to me. Since I am on this journey of both self-improvement and self-discovery, I need to make these lessons more than just words. I definitely want them to be more than the abstract concept that these lessons can easily become.

WOOOH!!! TRUST. This is a big big one. Like TRUTH, this is another idea that I have always had an adverse relationship with. I've always considered myself a trustworthy person. That's where it ends. I can trust me and no one else. In my experience, people will ALWAYS let you down. Because of this feeling, I have inflicted a ridiculous amounts of pain. I have caused myself suffering because of my need to prove that I don't need anyone. It has really added to my bag of shit.


TRUST is the reliance of the Divine for all sustenance and supply. A mental and emotional recognition and acceptance that the presence of the Divine as the ultimate good is all powerful and ever present.



ALL? Really? Like all as in every little thing. Is that even possible? I mean can one entity provide everything. I am grappling hard with this one. I mean, I have always considered myself a very self-reliant person. For one to even imply that I am not 100% in control of everything is a concept that is just tortuous for me to accept. I guess that I can even build off of the previous lesson of TRUTH. Possibly, I thought that I am an entity in myself. That is the major fallacies that has been impressed upon me by all of the " well meaning" people in my life.

YOU ARE IN THIS ALONE.

ALL YOU HAVE IS YOU.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT THEN DO IT YOURSELF.


Now if this is these are the lessons that I have been taught my entire life, how can I begin to unlearn them? Do I even want to unlearn them? What is so wrong with asserting control over my own destiny? Where does the power for the Divine end and my own sovereignty begin? OMG this is soooo hard. I will really have to think on these. Seem like the more I think, the more questions I have.

What is did find later in the text was something that led to a small epiphany. In actuality, it is a truism that I will remember for the rest of my life. If I never learn another lesson from this book ( which is highly unlikely) it is that

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.


Knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me a lot of heartache and damn sure alot of time. Let me repeat this. This is a lesson worth learning for everyone.

There is a big difference between trusting someone and putting your trust in somebody.



Yes. Yes. Yes. CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!


When you TRUST someone, you recognize them as a representative of divine energy. You see them in the highest light possible, knowing that no matter what they do, it does not change who they are at the core of their being.


To truly TRUST someone means that you have elevated them to the level of the Divine. No wonder trust is a bond that is sooooo easily manipulated and broken. How can any human live up to that? It is an unreasonable request. The human condition does not allow for such things. I have always purported that unconditional love does not exist in any form or fashion. The same can be said for TRUST. Humankind is ever evolving, hell, individuals are ever evolving. Who I am today will not be who I am next week or even who I was last year. How can someone expect that I will ever be unchanged? Therefore, I damn sure cannot expect that from anyone else. There is not one human in the world that has the ability to remain unchanged. That is not how we are built. Honestly that is one of the things that make us amazing. Experiences mold us into who we are, thus making us malleable and pliable. Of course we are never the same at the core.

When you put your trust into someone that means that you expect them to do what they will say will do, which is usually something that you should be doing for yourself.


I can dig it!!!! This is the self-reliance message that I have been looking for. Expecting someone to keep their word is not unreasonable, but always know that you are the ground zero for what ever you want. In love, work, friendships, what every....it's all you! This was an easy one to wrap my head around.


NOT SO EASY...

Trust the Divine to provide you with the wisdom to make the right decision under every circumstance you encounter. If you know what you want to do, you must ask quietly in your heart. Once you do, you will be guided. You will be protected. It may not seem like what you are dong at the moment is the right thing. People and conditions may challenge you. You may begin to doubt yourself. It is in these moments that you are called upon to activate your trust in the Divine.


I must tell you that when I first read this part of the passage, I was resistant. I even highlighted it with at pink highlighter. ( The intro suggests that you use 2 highlighters when reading the text. One to highlight things that are familiar or new things that you want to learn. And another for concepts that you are resisting or cannot wrap your head around. I use pink for the latter) So when I read this I was lost. I have never been great at prayer. I always figured that I was doing it incorrectly or that no one was listening or that I was not worthy of receiving any blessings, or that I am too much of a fuck up to be take seriously...blah blah blah. I have come up with so many reasons that my prayers don't get answered.

After reading this a second time I realize that what I am lacking is the TRUST. There is nothing wrong with my technique. I have never put 100% TRUST into the Divine. It was always like " Okay, Lemme talk to God to see if he help me out with this...People say this works." I now see that I have more serious TRUST issues. How can I relinquish this thing that I have that is not allowing me to let go and just put it in HIS hands? This is always this thing in my spirit that second guessing " What do I do if God does not come through? Then what." Then I feel like I am offending the Divine. Maybe that is another reason why He may not be listening.

Next: Day 3
Prayer

1 comments:

hannah katherine said...

i love this post. it opened my eyes to some things about myself, too. thanks!