Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Hate My Mother

I really do. It has taken me a very long time to admit this to myself and even longer to say it aloud. It is a thought that I have been grappling with for a long time. I'd always go out of my way to prove to myself that there was something wrong with me or she just has me best interest at heart. After years of fighting it, I can now say that this is all consuming hate. She is a terrible person. All of the qualities that I dislike in human beings are all embodied within her person. What I am not sure about is whether I hate her for having these qualities or whether I've grown to hate these qualities in others because she possesses them.

My mind has tried to rationalize her behavior for years. It all balls down to the fact that she was also raised by a jackass that was only capable of asshat behavior. Therefore, she is an emotional midget and totally incapable of expressing love, empathy, compassion, or any other the other shit that a mother is supposed to express. For that, I resent her. But the hate stems not from her incapability to be a mother, I can excuse that. The hate is for that fact that she is incapable of being decent and contributing part of hate human race.

There is wealth of things that she has said and done that only fan the flames of my hatred....starting with the day she told me that she only "kept me" because my dad had money. I was only about f or 5 the time. Later she allowed me to be verbally and emotioally abused by a man because she sis not have to balls to take care of herself. She'd say she did if for me. I'd say that you did it because you are addicted to perpetual victimhood. ( I mean, I 'd say that now b/c I'm older w/ a larger vocabulary) Then I just said, " Mom, why don't you care about me enough to make his stop hurting me & you. To which her response was " Stop being a little bitch."

There was soooo much of this type of thing my entire life. At the age of 8 I had an ulcer. AN 8 year old with an ulcer and no one thought that was peculiar. I ended up in the hospital and had to talk to a therapist. When my mom came to see me, she threatened to beat me if I told anyone what was REALLY wrong with me.

I could go on with stories for days, but the point is that she is a hateful, self-absorbes, lying , victim playing cunt. That's what I would say if she weren't my mom. Since she is I can just ask God to put me in a place where I can understand and accept her for who she is. I also pray that I can be okay with the fact that she hates me as well. The main problem with hate is that it is never the problem of the person or persons that you hate. It consumes you and destroys your spirit. It hurts. I can't pretend that it doesn't. It's hard not having anyone that you know loves you unconditionally. It's hard looking at someone you are supposed love and not see anything but rage, pain, and hate.

Today was just the headcrack. I'm not gonna say what she did but its another thing that is unforgivable.

The one thing that I can say is that I no longer feel guilty about this. It just is what it is.

Gonna go cry in the corner. Then I'm gonna man the fuck up and move on with my day.


Be one with the Fro said...

Damn! Sorry to hear that...but you probably don't want to hear that. I have a pretty bad relationship with my dad though so I pretty much understand where you're coming from. I don't even talk to him anymore, which me. Maybe thats what you need to do...just let her go. I know its harder with mothers because they always seem to have some kind of say in your life, but that doesn't mean you have to hear it.

Anyway, hope it gets better.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

I grew up with an alcoholic stay at home cunt, too. Abusive? To say the least.

I was fortunate enough to have her disown me at 17, when I was alone, out on the streets and pregnant with "that bastard child".

Thank God. While it was the hardest thing in the world to know that the one who is supposed to love me unconditionally hates me enough to throw me to the wolves, it was the best parenting move she made in my entire life.

I'm sorry you didn't have the same luck.

My mother was raised by a horrible person, too. It's not an excuse for her behavior, but it's a reason. She, too, was a lifetime victim, by choice.

What kills me is when people grow UP like that and then turn out that way themselves. Why would one choose to carry on such a horrific tradition? Why would one choose to put their own children through the hell they themselves went through.

Without her influence, or maybe just because I'm not her, I was able to grow into a balance human being who always looks at the bright side and always finds the good in people to focus on and nurture. I have worked hard to take drama OUT of my life, and I've succeeded.

I hope you can get there, too.

Have you considered "divorcing" her? It doesn't have to be a fight. You don't even have to say a word to her. Just never say a word to her again. Put her and who she is to you behind you. It's hard, and it sucks, but life becomes better and brighter when you remove the poison.

My heart is with you.

Kud said...

Wow I"m soo sorry you have such a toxic person in your life. I can't offer any advice but I can say that I support anything you do and believe you should empower yourself in any way possible to get rid of that toxicity in your life.

Ebony said...

Having a shitty mother is one of the greatest disservices a child can have and the pain stay with u for many years, but i can tell u from experience that one day u wake up and u shake it all of and get on with life.

It looks like that u are coming to this time in your life, turn all that hate into pity and give it back to her, because for whatever bad things she has done to you there is something much bigger hurting her and u may not believe it but that woman is hurting.

Please don't let this drag u dowm anymore, give thanks that you have the ability to see the traits that are toxic and go the other way.

Be strong